i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
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older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
how high up are we talkin’?