Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
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he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.