“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
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[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
<—- homeless romantic
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.