Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
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What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
I need better friends
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
My dad teaching me to drive
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job