My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
You Might Also Like
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
This is true.
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks