The struggle is real
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the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
what are they serving at kfc then???
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
still the best tweet of the year by far
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.