When you have to marry your mother-in-law
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Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.