Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
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You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩