[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
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me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.