Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
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Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
Any refunds available?…
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”