Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
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As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
Punctuation Matters. Period.
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait