hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
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Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive