Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
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If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.