[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
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“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
christening a ship with an overripe banana
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho