“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
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“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please