I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
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Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
Same pineapple, same
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication