[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
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estão todos miauvindo?
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.