My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
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Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
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RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.