Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
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Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
*jazz hands*
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.