The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
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Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
Love it! 👍😂
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
I told my vodka about you.
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark