5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
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Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
guilty
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
What do you hear?
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”