Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
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“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
much to think about
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees