Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
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I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.