Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
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Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”