Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
You Might Also Like
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
He died doing what he loved: being alive
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER