“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
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*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost