Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
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You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
The first one, obviously
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.