Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
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Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Hey! This isn’t my car!
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!