trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
You Might Also Like
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work