Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
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Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
nobody’s gonna understand
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.