Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
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I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?