I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
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How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
The three genders
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.