Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
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I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
Otters see a butterfly.
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.