I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
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ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
“just sayin” who asked you though?
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what