Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
You Might Also Like
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
They got a point!
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍