I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
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[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails