my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
You Might Also Like
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
I like it thick and deep
Pizza