*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
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How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.