My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
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Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.