Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
You Might Also Like
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger