Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
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Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
i want to work in this restaurant
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
Cake!!
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.