Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
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[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
The Wolf of Wall Street.
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
God making man in his image was the original selfie
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.