If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
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[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
I want to meet the individual who made this
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.