No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
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Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry