[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
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Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
selena gomez
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.