So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
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me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38