First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
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You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
What fresh Hell is this?!?
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems