I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
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“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
*hires sky writer*
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