contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
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I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally