“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
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good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.